Factors of Human Love, and Relationships

Here we attempt to define love in terms of human needs.  A set of 4 components of love listed below will be show to be close to other models but hopefully provide a little more rooted foundation in human needs and interaction.  The four components stated without justification are:

1. Commitment - Emotional Need for Security (Primal could be argued.)
2. Communication - Emotional Need
3. Giving - This is often overlooked and is perhaps the true essence of love
4. Passion - Primal, Lust

Component 1 is related to security, longevity, and safety, with 4 being physical love, lust, passion.  Components 2 and 3 are the glue that bonds it all.  Component 3 is often overlooked or embedded in a mutuality notion.  But giving seems directly tied to a euphoric feeling of well being that is likely hormone induced.  This assertion is merely an unproven thought, that welcomes debate.  Before describing these in more detail, lets consider the following prior models for the factors of love.
Psychologist Elaine Hatfield and her colleagues, defined the components of love as

• Respect, 
• Attachment, 
• Affection, 
• Trust, 
• Understanding.

These categories span primal needs as well as derived needs.  By primal we are referring to a true physiological need.  Other items can be classified as emotional well being needs, and desires.  Desires are those things that while not necessary for life make it much more pleasant.  But this model does not address giving. 

Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed a triangular theory, and defines three components of love:

• intimacy
• passion
• commitment

This model completely misses the core, giving.  If we allow intimacy to be defined as understanding, trust, respect, and affection.  Realize that passion is not from love but lust, or at least encompasses lust.  It can be enhanced by love but is not driven by love.  This is very close to our proposed factors.  But the giving aspect is not explicit.

John Lee in his book The Color of Love defines:
Three primary styles of Love:

• Eros – Loving an ideal person
• Ludos – Love as a game
• Storge – Love as friendship

Three composite styles:

• Mania (Eros + Ludos) – Obsessive love
• Pragma (Ludos + Storge) – Realistic and practical love
• Agape (Eros + Storge) – Selfless love

Here perhaps with liberties we can consider Ludos to be more the physical side of love, primal, and selfish.  Agape is the form we really wish to consider.  It seems that society has soft played the definitions to appear more gentile. But it seems clear that Love (=Agape) is a separate matter from Lust (=Ludos).  However it is simply a matter of definition.  The only point here is that they are separable.  That said, it also seems reasonable that we could define a synergistic effect that enhances each of the components when they exist together.    We will not define that but suggest perhaps terms like Bliss may be appropriate.  But all things are better when you feel love.  So it is not a given that there is any synergy effect.  This is an open question.

Psychologist Zick Rubin proposed that romantic love is made up of three elements:

• attachment - the need to receive care, approval and physical contact with the other person.
• caring - valuing the other persons needs and happiness as much as your own.
• intimacy - the sharing of thoughts, desires, and feelings with the other person. 

It seems that Dr Rubin's definition of romantic love is a good description of Dr Lee's Agape Love.  This model seems to have properly isolated Lust from the mix.  It is the same as Dr Steenberg's model except passion is replaced with caring.  Granted they overlap in a spouse relationship, but in a parent or sibling or relationship with God and Christ, the Rubin stands unchanged.  This theory closely aligns with the model we will discuss here. 

Human needs consist of some very basic items.  The body and mind have self regulating warning indicators and protection mechanisms.  These are beyond our ability to control directly as they are autonomic, i.e., reflexive in nature.
 
         Need or Avoid     Urge/Action          Fulfillment/Reward          Protect Against

1. Hypothermia       Feel Cold               Shiver                                 Death or Injury
2. Heat Stroke          Feel Hot                Sweat                                  Death or Injury
3. Starvation            Hunger                   Satisfaction                        Death by Starvation
4. Drowning            Gasp for air            Lungs full of air                 Death Drowning
5. Skin Burn            Burning                 Pull Away                           Death or Injury
6. Sleeplessness      Drowsy                  Sleep                                   Death
7. Danger                Fear                        Fight or Flight                    Death or Injury,  Extinction
8. Procreate            Passion                   Physical Intimacy               Well Being, Extinction
9. Security              Commitment          Attachment                          Well Being, Community
10. Intimacy             Communication      Companionship                   Well Being, Community
11. Fullness(Love)   Giving                     Euphoria                             Well Being, Community

The first 8 items in the table above are the primal or autonomic responses.  The first six are widely accepted as primal.  To actually manipulate them in another human is considered torture by most countries throughout the world.  But for some reason our society accepts the manipulation of Fear and Sex Drive without complaint.  The Need to Procreate and Flee from danger are two key primal urges that need to be more carefully evaluated.  This is another open problem.

The final three are desires: Commitment, Communication,  and Giving, these are emotion driven.  Emotionally driven needs that are to a much greater degree controllable, than primal.  Dale Carnegie defines love as a verb and noun.  Love the verb is giving  and it generates the feeling of butterflies or euphoria. This concept is typically overlooked in Love factor discussions.   These three compose what we will define the components of love.   They share all but one component that being that of physical intimacy or passion.  The components of love (a loving relationship more precisely) are:

• Commitment - the need for security, to receive care, approval, acceptance, to belong, to have purpose, commitment.
• Communication - the sharing of thoughts, desires, and feelings with another, to become part of something more, to understand and be understood, to communicate.
• Giving - this is often overlooked but is where much of the true feelings of love come from.  The euphoric elation when you think of the one you love.  It is the act of giving of ourselves that generates the warm feelings.  Selfish love is not love at all.  Perhaps the word Giving should be replaced by Love.
• Passion - Satisfaction of primal urges to procreate but with a deep mutual respect and intimacy that comes from knowledge

Does Love require Attachment.  Our societal rules imply so.  But that is a matter of convenience of social structure.  But people have demonstrated over time that they can  get this need met without a spouse.  God often fills that role for people, similarly God can fulfill the Intimacy role.  Intimacy is far more challenging with humans due to the primal human sex drive.  Perhaps same sex groups could fulfill that role. Giving can be achieved anywhere, but it serves as a component of glue in the relationship.  But regardless each component is enhanced when all are present.

Brotherly Love

• Commitment
• Communication
• Giving

 Marital Love

• Commitment - Women seem to desire this more, likely due to vulnerability of child rearing
• Communication - the two in the middle are the price both ends must pay for their reward.
• Giving - the success of the relationship depends mostly on these two core items by both.
• Passion - Men seem to desire this more

Another thing that seems interesting is that Love is often tied to sex.  But in reality Love and Sex are unrelated physiologically.  Women may not like to hear that because their power over men is sex and a man's power over a woman is security.  It is the eternal battle of urges and needs that are at odds.   But this is solved by giving without expectation and open communication.  Remember you must understand to love, this requires great communication.

It seems evident that the fall into lazy patterns of selfishness and poor communications are the core reasons for the breakdown of most relationships.  It all seems so simple.  Why do we fail so frequently.  One simple reason.  A lack of responsibility.  We slack off and fail to freely give because "they" need to do more.  Which is in reality not  the truth, but you do not see it because you and the other party do not communicate openly.  This is often due to fear of rejection or what the other will think. Or some other unnecessary fear.

Two simple rules for a happy marriage:

1. First Priority, Always is the team.  You no longer have you time, unless granted.
2. Give Freely, never count  or keep track of who is doing more.
3. Communicate openly, frequently, and freely.

I challenge you to find two people who broke up but followed these principles.